Well, every place is famous for something.

Apollo posted this at 2:25 PM HKT on Monday, March 21st, 2011 as Amer-I-Can!, Humor

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Hah! Ha ha ha hah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah!

And now a question for your first-year law school Criminal Law exam: Is it fraud if you solicit donations to fund a campaign for an office for which you are inelligible?

Apollo posted this at 1:28 PM HKT on Monday, January 24th, 2011 as Denizens of DC, Humor

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He’s no conservative but dear god is this brillaint:

Also, this is a great exchange:

Jamie posted this at 11:41 AM HKT on Thursday, January 13th, 2011 as Humor

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“If you want to know the law and nothing else, you must look at it as a bad man, who cares only for the material consequences which such knowledge enables him to predict, not as a good one, who finds his reasons for conduct, whether inside the law or outside of it, in the vaguer sanctions of conscience.” —Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

We here at Federalist Paupers are nothing if not ecumenical, and we have a guest post by President Barack Obama a senior White House Official who spoke on deep background, off the record, yadda yadda yadda.  Some of his thoughts about potential 2012 Republican nominees:

Mississippi governor Haley Barbour Please nominate this man.  I The President would make this a campaign between a black man from the Land of Lincoln against the lawyer-lobbyist from the Land of Jefferson Davis.

South Dakota Senator John Thune He did a statesman like thing, voting with me then-Senator Obama on S.R. 213 in the 110th Congress: that is, voting for the $700 billion bailout.  Watch the Tea Partiers sit out an election, and we can do it while praising his record.  For that matter, just about any Senator or Congressman would be fun for us to run against.  They’ve got lots of votes on issues and pork to defend.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney He’s one of a handful of people in American politics who makes me the President look genuine.  Plus we can thank him for providing inspiration in our health care bill; remember Romneycare preceded Obamacare.  We’re sure the tea partiers will love that, almost as much as they loved him in the 2008 primaries.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin We’re sure we can let Tina Fey do most of the dirty work.  Palin gave us a huge gift when she didn’t finish her term of governor, and we can tie every wingnut she’s endorsed around her neck: Christine O’Donnell and Sharron Angle are gifts that’ll keep on giving. Imagine the ad: O’Donnell says something kooky, cut to Palin praising her.  Angle says something nuts, cut to Palin endorsing.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty He may represent a state that has the longest streak of voting for Democrats, but this two term governor never actually won with a majority of the vote.  He’s wonkish, though, and might be able to out argue me the president, which good old John McCain never quite did.  He could be a threat, but we’re not sweating yet.

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels Here’s a potential threat.  A governor, balanced the books.  Fortunately, he’s a Bush administration alumnus (OMB director).  Thankfully, he has the charisma of plain oatmeal.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee He’s from the land of Clinton, where anything’s possible.  His social conservative bona fides are impeccable, but will the tea partiers make peace with him?  If they unite, this man has the charisma to be dangerous.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal The man wrote an article defending exorcisms.  It’s almost a shame that Christine O’Donnell lost: the Jindal-O’Connell ticket would balance an exorcist with a (former) witch.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich The man is a human pinata: we can bash him from almost any angle and good stuff comes out.  He can’t stay on message.  Plus it isn’t that hard to get him to say nice things about the Rockefeller Republicans, which will infuriate the Goldwater-lovin’ tea party crowd.

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani If he could win the nomination, he’d roll into the presidency.  Since he won only one delegate in 2008 after millions spent, we’re not worrying about him.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie This man’s a threat.  The tea partiers and the establishment Republicans all love him, plus he’s effective.  He’s claimed he ain’t running, but then, I the president did that, too.  Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt had both served less than 4 years as governor when they were elected president, so there’s precedent.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell See Chris Christie, but fortunately, McDonnell managed to get himself tangled up in the Confederacy.  That won’t hurt him in the south, but it’s poison in much of the midwest.

Presidential Strategy: If the election is about my Barack Obama’s record, Democrats lose, just as George Bush would probably have lost in 2004 had he not been given the gift of a ridiculous candidate.  The urban parts of the country are safely Democratic. New England and the Pacific West are safely blue. Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado are places we should be able to hold or pick up—Harry Reid and Michael Bennet give me hope.  The midwest is seething right now, so the best thing for us to do is pander to them.  Even so, my probable opponents the Republican nominees, whom we hold in the highest esteem, have baggage we can exploit.  Yeah, we got the political equivalent of a bloody nose a few weeks ago, but from where we sit, things look reasonably on track for a second term.

Hubbard posted this at 12:33 PM HKT on Wednesday, November 17th, 2010 as Humor, I have seen the future. . ., Is It 2012 Yet?

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I don’t normally laugh at people being harmed in crimes, but . . . c’mon! Don’t name yourself “Ironik” unless you’re willing to be struck down by irony.

Apollo posted this at 6:06 PM HKT on Tuesday, November 9th, 2010 as Humor

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Jamie posted this at 10:44 AM HKT on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010 as Humor

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(H/T)

Hubbard posted this at 11:01 AM HKT on Saturday, October 16th, 2010 as Humor, Those Wacky Foreigners

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If you only read one funny article all day, make it this article on the Tea Party. John Miller and Jonah point out some of the ways this article is funny. After the “the rule of law” bit, I think this is the next funniest:

[The 5000 Year Leap] spins the Constitution in a way most legal scholars would not recognize — even those who embrace an “originalist” interpretation.

It argues that the Founding Fathers were guided by 28 “principles of liberty,” above all, a belief that government should be based on “Natural Law,” or “a code of right reason from the Creator himself.” The founders, Skousen wrote, believed in the equal protection of rights, but not the equal distribution of things — an argument that many Tea Party activists now make against the health care overhaul passed in March.

Natural Law! A code from the Creator himself! Founders weren’t Communists? What a bunch of wingnuts!

The Tea Party is the most interesting and widespread (and therefore important) political movement in America since the Civil Rights movement. And the way our journalists have treated it is instructive: first, they dismissed it; then, they mocked it (teabagger – anyone heard that term lately?); then, they called them racist; then, they called them radicals; now, they’re using the Tea Party as a tool to prove their own ignorance.

If the mainstream press’s attempts to destroy the Tea Party weren’t enough of an argument to stop taking journalists seriously, the fact that millions of protesting Americans marching in the streets know more about our nation’s history than the writers and editors of the The New York Times should be enough to show that the ideal of journalism is dead at America’s major newspapers. I mean, if you get your information from the Times, you’re getting it from people who literally do not know what they’re talking about. That’s the opposite of journalism.

Apollo posted this at 12:57 PM HKT on Sunday, October 3rd, 2010 as Humor, Journalism, Tea Time

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Hah!

Meek tried to relate to Hispanic viewers too, but flubbed when it was unclear whether he was calling Crist a pastry using the word “pastelito,” or a postcard using the word “postalito.”

Apollo posted this at 6:01 PM HKT on Friday, September 17th, 2010 as Humor

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“Liberals pride themselves on not being ideologues.”

-Michelle Goldberg

Yeah. Right.

Jamie posted this at 3:50 PM HKT on Tuesday, September 7th, 2010 as Humor

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Apollo has already commented on President Obama complaining that his critics treat him “like a dog.”  In other news, Nancy Pelosi do a good job housebreaking him.

Hubbard posted this at 2:42 PM HKT on Tuesday, September 7th, 2010 as Barack Obama Couldn't Persuade a Bear to Crap in the Woods, Humor

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Memorandum

To: The Gay Rights Movement

From: Nick Machiavelli

Re: Fear, Love, and Hate

I note, with some approval, that some of you have read my little work about how leaders should behave, but caution that what works for a prince might be counterproductive for queens.

When I wrote The Prince, bear in mind that I never expected the masses to read my work.  Further, I advised that the masses should remain ignorant of a prince’s ulterior motives.  It’s one thing if people fear rather than love a prince (so long as they don’t hate him); it’s a very different thing when an entire group of people attempts to be feared rather than loved; they’ll surely be hated.  Besides, I might be a sixteenth century Florentine, but even I know that the queer community is perpetually in danger of being seen as mere comic relief.

Your real problem, of course, is that most straight people don’t make the same fine distinctions amongst you gays as they do among their fellow straights.  More bluntly, they think of you as a squalling interest group that should stay at the kids’ table, away from the grown ups.  No adult cares much what goes on at the kids’ table–indulge or discipline but don’t take ‘em seriously–and most straight folk feel much the same way about you.

You do need a strategy change if you seek equality, but remember that change can always be for the worse.  Consider the black civil rights movement for a moment.

Any aggrieved minority can produce an explosive character like Malcolm X.  (For sake of this memo, I speak of the black supremacist X, rather than as he was at the end of his life, when he renounced racism and left the Nation of Islam.)  Had the civil rights movment produced nothing but Xs, Jim Crow laws would probably still be on the books, and may well have spread outside the states of the old confederacy.  Malcolm X was feared and hated.  Militancy in minorities is a quick route to provoking a harsh reaction from a threatened majority.

The civil rights movement succeeded because their dominant figure was Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.  They were peaceful and patient, but they spoke with firm moral authority.  They marched in their Sunday best rather than feather boas.

Serious dress and thoughtful argument are outward and visible signs of inner grace–which is precisely what the straight majority thinks your community lacks.  Until you can demonstrate such grace, you are doomed to remain at the kids’ table.

Hubbard posted this at 10:21 AM HKT on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 as Here and Queer, Humor, Politics

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This Gertz brief ought to be jaw-dropping. From “a U.S. official involved in countering weapons proliferation”:

There are powerful incentives for [Iran] to close the door [to nuclear weapons] completely, but they are either purposefully ignoring them or are tone deaf. You almost want to shout, ‘Tune in Tehran.’

One of my favorite types of humor is when clueless people attribute their cluelessness to others. If you can read “Tune in Tehran” in much the same tone that Alicia Silverstone said “As if!”, this becomes the funniest quote you’ll read all day.

Apollo posted this at 12:42 AM HKT on Wednesday, March 31st, 2010 as Humor, Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be!, Mullah Mullah--whoa baby let my people go

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I was browsing old issues of National Review (don’t ask) when I found these pithy aphorisms. Enjoy!

From the pages of NR, Sept. 11, 1987:

1. Everybody knows everything.
2. Who says A must say B.
3. Just as good, isn’t.
4. You cannot invest in retrospect.
5. Wherever there is prohibition there’s a bootlegger.
6. In every project there’s a Schlamm.
7. You can’t divorce yourself.
8. Every member must pay his dues.
9. No excuse, sir.
10. If there’s no alternative, there’s no problem.

As I understand it, Rule #6 refers to Willi Schlamm, who was the sort of person who’s often right but always is a walking hemorrhoid.

Hubbard posted this at 8:16 AM HKT on Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 as Conservatism, Humor, Philosophy

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Perhaps the greatest attack ad ever.

Hubbard posted this at 8:07 AM HKT on Thursday, February 4th, 2010 as Humor

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